My friend suggests thinking of all the things I later learned about past partners that never would’ve been apparent on first dates to help with the intense projection and fantasies that my mind is concocting at what feels incessant. Intrusive. All-consuming.
Or even the recent crushes I’ve experienced- how focusing selectively on the pleasant and enjoyable words or actions without accounting for all the unknowns and how it more often leads to intense disappointment and frustration.
But the part of me that likes to feel good, craves the good feelings, does not want to deny myself them. Being a romantic is fun! It’s normal to want to get off the apps. To feel eager to stop looking and getting to know knew people each week. It’s understandable to be excited when you meet someone with shared goals, to become a parent, to co-parent, to have a sexually fulfilling relationship.
We connected online and I was struck by his sensitivity and humility in experimenting with voice notes even though it seemed to feel vulnerable. We exchanged voice notes and sweet, curious messages getting to know one another for nearly a week. The connection felt different for having excitedly learned random tidbits about each other. It felt different for having identified shared long-term goals.
I appreciated witnessing his neurosis as he over-shared about possible options to spend the night at his nearby friend’s place if he couldn’t drive home, and other venue options following the initial drink. His message about bringing a jacket felt caring and his interest in maximizing time in the sun so resonant. It’s funny and odd that I recall so little of the content of our conversation but I know it felt easy to talk to him. Disclosing about finalizing a divorce nonchalant. He had a brief marriage as well in his 20’s. He had once been “The Married” guy to others as the logistics were finalized.
I liked his confidence in initiating physical touch-he was affectionate in his words and actions-he felt consistent and available in person just as he had in his messages. I appreciated his transparency and vulnerability in sharing the importance of not spending the night, and taking things slowly, and maybe not seeing each other too quickly between dates. I was delighted to learn being with someone Jewish is important to him and we laughed at how hard it’s hammered into our psyches. Despite feeling shy and nervous, I felt his interest in me, my work, my friendships. The physical attraction was palpable, passionate, exciting, and a bit scary. I feared moving too quickly would make it more difficult to discern feelings. And yet in the moment ration, logic, boundaries all seem so silly and uptight. Oh how I longed to be carefree and without any expectations.