Love & Loss
Love is full of so many moments of loss and grief and I am learning to welcome them as visitors. Learning to bring curiosity to the pangs of sadness and longing, confusion, anger, and emptiness. At the same time as I embraced the love existing in my life-the unique acts of generosity and care from an unexpected friend in the form of dropping off soup, invitations to holiday’s, phone calls.
This week’s visitors came in a text from my ex asking about Judaicia he misplaced in the move. It was such an awful process packing up our belongings and needing to decide what to keep and who gets what. The couch, the toaster, the enormous Jewish kettubah that our closest friends signed on our wedding day that adorned our bedroom. It all felt meaningless until this moment when he is looking for these items. It’s easy to express, “where’s the sedar plate?” than I miss having you in my life though I trust we both have felt the enormous loss of the many gifts we shared with one another.
I managed to deliver our separation agreement to court on Friday in what felt like a most effortful feat. The prior week my ex had made it all the way there only to catch a missing signature on a financial statement. I was given a docket number and told to wait a month for a court date to be assigned-and just like that one has “filed for divorce.”
In a sense we’ve been building towards this ending for a year now and I am only just beginning to feel some semblances of renewal. I have my ex to thank for motivating a deep examination into my relationship with my work. He helped foster seeds of spiritual community and a curiosity to seek sacredness in life.
The moments of separation have felt so tender each time we’re in one another’s presence. This familiar person I do and don’t know anymore. The future of our connection unknown but so many mutual interests and friends that keep us orbiting one another. As I sit with clients contemplating break up’s and divorces my mind often wanders briefly to my ex gearing up for his brave decision. What I’ve learned is no matter which side you’re on, it takes tremendous courageous to part ways with love.
Challenges of Our Relationship:
-neither of us are tidy but irritable with one another’s messes and habits
-both could be particularly sensitive and rigid in our own ways
-difficulty being vulnerable and communicating needs, working through conflict
-unwillingness to work through relational dynamics
-lack of shared vision for future
We met at a loving kindness meditation in the community and later attended a spiritual activism event together. We got to know one another through both individually investing in completing a non-violent communication course. I felt most connected to him during those early days of our friendship. During the pandemic he became more preoccupied with bitcoin, scrolling on Zillow. Despite proceeding with family planning he turned his focus to preparing for his first Burning Man experience. The distance continued to grow as I believe he gave up on the relationship.
Though the home we built together was nascent in its existence, I am proud of the many friends we welcomed into it. We both share a love of hospitality and hosting despite differences-my being a more the merrier and him preferring a small, curated gathering. May the birch wood my brother built for our wedding day continue to represent renewal, releasing old patterns, shedding unhelpful influences, resolution of conflicts as we navigate this new chapter. Perhaps in unknown and unexpected ways just like birch is one of the first trees to grow after a fire, our relationship paved way for the gradual return of life. It has been a catalyst for significant self-discovery and healing for us both. Like on our wedding day we had a broken glass to remind us of sadness even on joyous occasions, photos of deceased friends and family. On this difficult occasion joy and sadness still co-exist. I am reminded of the frailty of human connection and the tremendous care required to maintain connection.
By inviting my community into this process I hope it may also counter the fragmented nature of our world and our commitment to making the world more whole through our love that continues in a new form.
“Passionate investment leaves us vulnerable to loss. And sometimes, no matter how clever we are, we must love…Losing is the price we pay for living. It is also the source of much of our growth and gain.”